How to Take Over the Lap Pool at Your Hotel

How to Take Over a Lap Pool in Your Hotel

Over the past six months it’s been hard for me to find time to work out. In September, in a quite dramatic drive to break a 0-0 tie between the shirts and the skins, I tore my hamstring. Then, I was busy with my introductory course into fatherhood. Since I don’t belong to a gym or a pool, and most of my year-round fitness is done outdoors, this winter, which included the Polar Vortex and other unnamed days of frost, made athletics difficult. The ice and snow limited the number of times I laced up my running shoes, the rain and freezing temperatures reduced my days of cross-country skiing to two, and the one weekend that I snowboarded in New Hampshire provided me with little more than a nice leg burn.


When I discovered that my hotel in Philadelphia, the Loews Philadelphia Hotel, had a two lane lap pool, the first thing I did after arriving was to pull out my goggles and swimsuit and head for the fitness center. It had been some time since I last swam.


Before I changed into my swim suit, I walked into the pool area for a whiff of that chlorine scent. The chemical smell made me giddy to get wet, to reminisce over the burn that a one-mile-swim would send through my shoulders and chest after completing those 72 laps. But the high from the chlorine was drowned when I spotted eight kids hanging on lane lines, giving each other facial enemas and dropping into the pool as pathetically formed cannonballs and jackknives. They were all over both lanes.


My shoulders sunk and I made my way for the elevators.


But then, I remembered that I was going to need some room to put away all of the cheesesteaks and Reading Terminal Market fare that I planned to ingest over the course of the next two days. So I got changed.


When I returned to the pool, the eight kids were now violating the first three rules on every pool regulations sign. I focused on my pre-swim routine, dove into the water, and scattered half of them back to their towels and the more brazen into one lane.


Here’s how to take over the lap pool at your hotel:


Show those kids that you mean business. You can’t just arrive with swim trunks; you need a Speedo. I take it one step further and wear those Olympic-length capri-Speedos. (To get the kids out before you even hit the water, bring a shaving kit to the pool and begin removing all your leg and chest hair on the pool deck. For the best results, try waxing.)


Wear goggles. If you can get the hologram ones that say something like “I eat kids for breakfast,” that’s even better.


Slap your biceps against your flanks to make a skin-clapping sound that only swimmers know how to produce. It’s bad ass.


If it says No Diving, you dive.


Charge those kids like a bull shark in bloody waters. Don’t stop. You know you’re doing well if you see a cloud of yellow ahead of you. Now, at the last possible second, bring your water polo skills and hook turn that youngster like an aquatic ninja. (The key here is to sustain whatever speed you’ve come out with for at least three more laps. Otherwise, to your chagrin, the pool population might revolt against you.)


If things get really bad and none of the kids leave, you can shout “My first bath in three years” or “I love using giant toilets.” Or you can Caddyshack it.




Photo by Jennifer Martinez



Posted on by Noah Lederman in Lost In Translation, Or Bust

One Response to How to Take Over the Lap Pool at Your Hotel

  1. Sam

    We should pool our ideas .

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